First One
by Dark Sadistic Angel
Summary: AU School/Preventer. From high school to work, a one-shot story of growing up awkward and bitter love experiences from Heero's point of view. Mainly 2x1, but some 1x6 and a brief 1x13. Some violence. Some humour. Some language. Some adult scenes. M.


_Hello. I am alive. Barely, but alive_._ For those interested, P. has not been abandoned, only placed on the backburner due to RL. I hope you enjoy this 'short movie' in its stead._

AU, 2x1, 1x6, 1x13, R+1, DxR, 3+4, 2+H.

**First One**

My first man was my best friend. I guess, that's why he 'was' my best friend. After the first time, I guess we fell in a different sort of relationship. But one I don't know what to call. He didn't, for sure, consider us to be in a romantic relationship. I guess, nor did I. For one thing, it wasn't like I was the type for flowers and chocolates, or even for sunshine, since I was mostly holed up in the computer labs all the time, if not in the doujo or school's basement gym. I suppose, crude as the term is, the best word to describe our relationship was "fuck buddies". Although... he stopped hanging out with me after the first time, and just came over to my place for sex on Fridays.

I kept the special stolen leather seat really only meant for teachers he used to favour swinging on when I was programming but he never swung by once again. Nor did he turn up to randomly spar and wipe the doujo's black belts, who used to call him girly at first for his long brown braided hair, over the floor with unorthodox techniques he said he randomly learnt, without actually saying where from. But since I saw him regularly on Fridays, and occasionally the weekends too, I didn't really question the change. Or rather, I think then I was pretty much in denial of the fact things had changed. And for the worse. There became a chasm between us so wide, that slowly, but surely, increased without me acknowledging it. Or wanting to. So that chair beside me in the computer room stayed empty throughout the weekdays after school, it's black leather covering reminding me of the jacket he favoured, and use to hang off its edges.

I suppose, in hindsight, I should have seen the warning signs. But being the type to not think overly much on people interaction and actions- part of the reason why I have few friends- it hadn't occurred to me that... I don't think it was youth naive foolishness. I am young but I've never been naive. My unconventional background's another reason why I don't have many friends. He had been the first friend I had that wasn't part of a military family, although he hadn't been a typical civilian either- being an orphan who lived in the local church. We had been pretty good friends.

Well, after he got over the broken arm I gave him on our first meeting, but he really oughtn't play pranks on strangers, I believe. He was so obnoxious and gun-ho that I was just as surprised as he was that we became friends, given I am the opposite. I guess, it should be no surprise that we did end up parting ways. But never would I have guessed it to be the way we did. People say I'm too serious. I suppose, given the fact that we hadn't established an romantic relationship, perhaps it was a stupid expectation on my behalf for what I naturally assumed. I hadn't expected him to have a steady girlfriend. While fucking me.

And never would I have known it if it weren't for that one accidental meeting when she came by our school, looking for him and finding me to ask as our classmate's told her that I was the one who knew him best. At first, I thought it had to be a misunderstanding, but when I brought her to him, where he was playing on the basketball court with the other popular boys, the one split second instant when he turned and looked at both of us, and his mask slipped, I suddenly knew everything. And as the short hair girl ran up to him with a laugh to jump and hug him, without caring about the woof whistles and hollers of the surrounding testosterone driven teenage boys around her and him, I also... knew why.

Later that night, my guardian was surprised when I indicated I wanted to go with him to the next place. We had been in the middle of making preparations for me to stay in the dorms like my other friend did during school semesters, since his family was with a traveling circus. He had thought I wanted to stay. I had. But not anymore. Just like Duo who had been my best friend. But not anymore.

They say that what happens in high school doesn't necessary follow you into your college years. A geek loner in high school could flower and become the most suave and sophisticated playboy. I didn't. I temporarily picked up a stalker, some rich girl who had been bored of the many sheep-like boys around her, and saw me as different- a challenge she couldn't resist to try enslave. Well, I suppose it was fortunate I did manage to make one friend on campus who was even more of a challenger than myself. Although the small platinum blonde girl had the scariest eyebrows even found on an otherwise, model like face, she managed to turn the tables on my former stalker and enslave her instead.

Luckily, it was before it became necessary for myself to flee the country on false identity papers. I parted ways with traveling with my guardian after high school, and never wished to see another isolated mountain or tropical jungle again. An occasional note would arrive, delivered by random strangers, which indicated he was still alive and well, and I always burnt those after reading, as per routine.

Routine, it seemed, was something drilled into my subconscious nature.  
>For the next man I slept with would be my former stalker's brother.<p>

And that happened per chance as well. It turned out they were from not just a well off family, but of royal heritage too. In fact, they were the next generation of rulers of a small European country. Unlike my guardian, I've never been too interested in people and their connections, only computers and their network connections, so him being royalty never impressed me much in any way. I suppose, that was why he took exception to me when I visited the home mansion of my former stalker and my new college friend. And his attitude grew worse and worse when he started to issue challenges and losing each of them.

Although, on the surface, he looked like he had nothing in common with his sister, as although she was pretty in an average way, he was the type to feature predominately in either a Vogue magazine... or a children fairy tale. His taste for heavily decorated, laced and gilded clothing that was trendy among the European elite aristocrats made him more of a figure suited for the latter. He even wore tights and codpieces on more than one occasion. He definitely wasn't the type I envisioned to ever want. More like, he was the type I would normally avoid, and his overbearing attitude wasn't conductive to myself forming even the slightest good opinion of.

Perhaps it was this very thing that explained why I did what I did. It seemed I have a certain weakness for long hair males with over bearing obnoxious attitudes. I don't know why he did what he did, though. It certainly wasn't because he had any inclinations, or if at all, any experience - I had been the one who led, and he had been furious with that. Even as he demanded more. He even turned up in ridiculous flowing nightgowns at midnight for that purpose alone. Even when I returned back to the states with the two girls in tow, he would randomly show up on weekends claiming to be there to visit his sister, although he never saw her but myself before flying back on his private jet.

Sometimes he would beg for me to come along, and so I did, but he was put out by the fact I wasn't impressed by his piloting skills. It was a slip, but after he found out I could pilot as well, he became obsessed with competing with me in flying tournaments. In a somewhat different sense, his competitiveness reminded me of my first. In high school, my former best friend had also been constantly wanting to spar me after his warm up rounds with the senior black belts, and was forever not happy with the fact he couldn't take me down on the mats. He did in other ways, but it wasn't something I desired remembering. It was more painful than any physical damage I have ever sustained.

I suppose I should have been prepared for the next to end the same way. In honesty, again, I didn't think much ahead. But although I didn't, he, being a prince and all, was heavily burdened. Especially after the tabloids picked up the relationship between his sister and my friend.  
>Unlike the first, my second ended in a more civilised manner.<p>

We had a last dinner together in his private chambers, with him, in unusually non-eloquent words, stammering out his reasons and his torn decision. Whether it was because I felt less for him then he did me, I didn't cry. I strongly suspect it was because my wound from the first had never really healed, and I was used to living with pain. Even though that encounter did deepen the wound considerably enough to make my nights restless. I started, after my second left me, to want to warm instead of always being cold.

My third man, again, was unexpected. He was my guardian's former junior, and he had stopped by to deliver a note to my apartment. I had recently graduated, and had secured a position in a business of an associate my guardian knew, and was waiting to start the position. Being an errand boy was definitely not the usual task for the red hair man to do, and I could tell by the elegant, cultured way he held himself that in fact, he was no doubt a senior member himself of the organisation my guardian worked for. Both his air and his dress sense reminded me of my second, as he stiffly, with clear irritation, passed to me a folded message in his white gloved hand. Perhaps it was his attitude that lead me to do that.

The urge to undertake any challenge must have contaminated me from somebody. Either from my previous, or, more than likely, my blond college friend who had those dark forked devil's eyebrows. Like he did, only smaller and matching red. He possessed natural red hair all over, as I found out when I had him underneath me. It all rather happened fairly fast, so we didn't even have much of our clothes off until the end of the night, but I really wished the gloves had been taken off before the morning came.

It was only when the sun began to rise, that he raised up his still gloved left hand to block the path to his eyes in bed, that he froze and uttered a soft swear word that he clearly was unused to speaking. I sleepily turned to face him and ask him what was the matter. When he pulled off the glove to expose a different golden shine to the sun's rays, it became apparent why. Then I repeated exactly the same word, only in a deaden monotone.

I should have known better that warmth I so desired at nights would come with the sun when it rose. Fantasy was an product of night, reality was the product of day. He never returned again to give me any further notes, and a random mention during a call from my guardian indicated that my guess was correct, and he was indeed a busy man of the elite class, and happily married to a lady of a class that rivaled even royalty. I privately wished him well, as much as I was able.

Looking in the mirror after that call, and seeing my remarkably calm blue eyes and stoic face not even hinting at the turmoil I was feeling, I suppose it was then I gave up.  
>Normally, I am not that impulsive. I am not bold and courageous by nature. My adventures in the social activities of humans are either due to coxing from entrusted others or are purely force driven by circumstantial situations or necessity. I am not able to live life so freely like other people, and the failure of my first amateur attempt to act on the whim of my emotions was worse than a slap to my face. It was more like surgery conducted without the anesthetic. I am awkward individual, and although generally this does not bother me at all, being a failure at human relations sucked. I just want the pain to just stop.<p>

So I gave up.

It was fortunate the company I began to work at was a technology one where commutation was optional. It became natural for me to only see people occasionally. Like either when the circus was in, or when there was a high level diplomatic convention, and such like, since all the very few friends I had were extremely busy and traveling or were nomadic people.  
>There was one exception to my habit of being antisocial, and that was my regular visits to a martial arts centre located a fifteen minute walk from my apartment unit. It was run by a young Chinese couple, who were both equally obsessed and bad as each other at mastering all techniques of any martial arts there existed in the world. It clear they were of wealth, having no need of the business generating any sort of income whatsoever.<p>

Indeed, what impressed me most of the facility was it was beyond world class in not only its equipment, but the standard of the regular instructors and special visiting instructors who were invited. It wasn't a normal centre, as any student who were not as high level or at least, maniac enthusiastic as the owners were soon literally physically tossed out of the place. It was an holistic centre for the path to some deity I know to called Nataku in Japanese, but had other names as well in different languages. The couple called it a different name in Chinese. The building actually looked more like a temple then a doujo.

Although the ache for warmth during nights never did go away, I satisfied myself alone. I became somewhat content in time and used to the status quot.  
>Then I was stupid.<p>

It wasn't like it had a danger sign up at all. Well, other than the usual ones, given the area of work I was in. The company received an urgent call in the middle of the night from the Preventers organisation, and the promise of a regular intergovernmental contract with them provided their current contract could be fulfilled now and then. Our rivals had several regular contracts with them already, but our company did not since our prices were high to match the standards we offer. We did not normally deal in generics, but special orders. Unfortunately, it meant relatively unstable income for the company, so employees were paid on a dual system of a lower wage linked to a contract percentage system. I had noticed on the company intranet forums there had been unrest stirring amongst my recruited co-workers, and my guardian's friend, the CEO, was increasing becoming worried about talent poaching by rival.

At most periods, perhaps the Preventers wouldn't be as stressed for qualified contractors, but it was Christmas season, one of the best types to conduct activities in because there was so much movement. Indeed, the last attempted uprising by a rebel armed group had been on Christmas eve last year. I had been asked to help the operation by my guardian, and my conduct had been the reason why I was recruited by my current company despite my youth. The other employees were generally older than myself by at least a decade. So it was busy season and all the companies were fully booked out. In fact, my company was the same, as we were running on a skeleton crew. Our employees, being older with family, left most of their fields as active field agents for the reason of stability in life. As a result, in contradiction to our rivals, it became our policy to not work during the busy unless the price paid is exceptionally high enough, even if the task is a minor one any of our staff could accomplished in minutes.

The midnight call was patched to me through the CEO, my guardian's friend, and I found myself on the line with the Preventer head herself and my direct boss. The two knew each other well, and actually, didn't like each other. I knew the reason why, of course. It was a permanently sealed secret that the lady in charge of the Preventers was actually a made human specimen, and my direct boss was the person who had been responsible for the illegal project. She was the first project and had escaped, taking out both my bosses eyes as souvenirs, which he had to replace with mechanical optics. I also knew she knew my guardian, but unlike my current boss, she was actually friendly with him, either due to the split personality she was created with or the fact she was grateful to him for being the one to take her out of the center. I wasn't acquainted with her, or more to say, I don't really remember her. Whatever to say, to me, it's all in the past where I don't have much memory of, nor care to.

And truth to be told, to be spending time in the early hours of Christmas eve, listening to contract negotiations, wasn't something I cared for much either, but I suspect it was because my boss knew I'd be the only one available to take it on if the contract was accepted.

I believed in efficiency, and always finish my assigned jobs in less time than the others. Hence, usually I was the only available personnel for odd jobs even when booking slots are full.  
>Figures and offers threw left and right in rapid fire succession until I heard the mechanical squeal and click of my boss's hand, also apparently another memoir of the two's past history together. The sound signaled the end of the negotiation and with that, my boss asks in a scratchy voice about how I felt about the terms.<br>Since the next couple of days I had nothing to do, having finished my contracts, and I said the deal on offer had sounded fairly good. Without further ado, I headed out to the Preventers headquarters, which was located in the next city.

I didn't know then the assignment was going to go so wrong.

There was absolutely no warning. After landing and parking the plane in the company's hanger, I took a cab over to big Preventer building that loomed large over the skyline, not expecting much than the usual temporary authorisation paperwork, briefing, and assignment of equipment. The paperwork went surprising smoother than expected- barely a page needed to be filled, in fact. But it was in the briefing I got the bigger surprise.

How could I've known that he, of all things, became a field agent? He said he lived and breathed God's teachings. Perhaps it was me who was at fault. I should have asked him to define which God, instead of assuming he meant the one that his church guardians believe in. It would have made sense otherwise, for him to be more than happy and versatile with the knife he was skillfully juggling in his hand than your average former choir boy. If he believed in the 'God of Death' that was embroided in thick, black stitching on the back of his shiny black leather jacket.  
>Even as I stood temporarily in shock at seeing a person I hadn't ever expected to see again, I saw that he was more than skilled. It was in his whole demeanor. He radiated arrogant confidence and lethal knowledge. It was clear that he could make it rain blood.<p>

And when he turned around with his long brown hair, kept in the same braided style as he did in his teenage years, swing around like a wild whirlwind, it actually did rain blood. He stabbed himself in the hand as he saw me. I didn't even think to laugh though. My mind had blanked out even as my mouth opened to speak.  
>'You better bandage that wound you inflicted on yourself, Maxwell. It looks like you're bleeding. If you can't handle weapons with due respect, don't.'<br>I said that calmly, in a dead monotone that had been my normal voice for years. Inside, however, I struggled to clear the temporary blinding redness of rage from my eyes. I really had thought I had moved on since then, but I realised, I really often frequently lie to myself. I felt like I reverted back to being my awkward, unconfident high-school self. It just took the vision of one black leather person to bring the reasons why I hated the color of darkness.  
>'Heero!'<br>I glared at him as I moved inside the room.  
>'Don't be too familiar, Maxwell. I don't respond well to strangers calling me by my first name.'<br>His jaw worked, and it was clear he was biting down his tongue.

Damnit, he looked almost the same, just grown up, but his actions were exactly the same. And what was worse, I found I could still read everything he was thinking. So he didn't even had to speak to indicate that he was torn between wanting to run away, hitting me for showing up and bothering his life, and what was worse, he wanted to fuck me still but that was so not the road he wanted to go down. I knew also that he still couldn't read my expression. I knew that he didn't know that I also wanted to run away from him even faster, or stab him in a more lethal place with the knife, or fuck or have him fuck me until my insides were raw.  
>And the last wasn't a road I wanted to go down either.<p>

A cackle of laughter broke through my tunnel vision, and brought me forcefully back to the situation at hand.  
>'Hah hah- fuck, it's the first time I've ever seen you slip up, Duo. That's one nice little red line you've got there.'<br>'And if you don't shut your mouth, Alex, you'll find yourself in a place you don't want to be if you cross it. Now, the other members will be here soon, and our team leader with them. They don't like you none too, so just leave the tools on the table there and scram like the rat you are.'  
>'Fuck you, Duo.'<br>'Only in your dreams.'

I barely managed to stop a winch at that. However, it almost succeeded in coming through anyway when I realised I was going to be alone with him until the others came. I determinedly ventured into the room and sat down on a seat regardless, with my back stiff and upright. It was uncomfortable and unnatural for me to sit with my back towards the door, but I didn't want to sit facing it because Duo was nearby it. I didn't want to see his face.  
>It was a decision I regretted when I suddenly felt warm breath near my ear as Duo lean down and whispered.<p>

'I'm sorry.'  
>The bastard still could move with the presence of a fucking ninja. It reminded me of all those time he did exactly the same thing in the computer room to surprise me when we were still friends.<br>But it didn't mean I entirely regret sitting down, even as I regretted the position I chose. My legs had given out and was practically nerveless as my still hands on the table.  
>Fortunately, Duo then chose to move away and walked over to a side cabinet where he took out a first aid kit. He popped the box down and flopped in the seat beside me. I suspect he chose that seat not to be close to me but to avoid looking at me directly, since the alternate ones all did.<p>

'Fuck... fuck, fuck, fuck...' he swore softly as the bandage he held repeatedly slipped.  
>I cursed myself for unable to leave him to conduct his inadequate attempts alone as I lifted my cold hands to help. As soon as my hands touched his, Duo hissed and he froze in position. Hell. Unlike my cold fingers, his skin was warm as hell's fire. It was like again, polar opposites meeting.<br>'Let... me bandage you,' I managed to say.

It was training and practice that saved me from fumbling the action and making a total FUBAR. I avoided his burning gaze as I quickly wrapped him up. After finishing, I practically snatched my hands back. I wanted to discreetly even move my seat a few inches away from him, but I knew the action would be telling. So I sat there and pretended to ignore him.  
>Long minutes passed.<p>

I was in hell. No money had been worth this. Childishly, I considered even tossing aside my professionalism and just... walking out. But training and practicability kept me in place. With my inbuilt body clock, I knew that the time passed really wasn't that long- in fact, I knew in my head was only a few minutes. Not even five. Emotionally however, I felt like some damn bastard again threw me into a hay-maker machine to be spat out and thrown in again.

Then the intercom on the meeting room's phone before us beeped.  
>'Hey Duo- the chopper's running late 'cause we're ramming into some crosswinds. The crew'll be there later than expected- say, in maybe twenty or thirty', crackled a deep baritone voice over radio. 'Don't play too much with your knife while bored, 'cause you're gonna cut yourself deep one of these days. Be a good boy, for captain mama, 'kay? Over and out.'<br>I was going to die.  
>No, I was going to kill him first.<p>

I could sense him staring at me. I didn't get it. I knew that he didn't want me to be here. I knew that he wanted me to leave him alone. Even if he wanted me, I knew he'd sooner try to eliminate first before given into those desires he wanted to deny. Then the bastard kissed me and blow my logical senses to the inside depth of hell and back again.

I was engulfed in flames. It was a familiar heat that I had been unknowingly missing and searching for all this time. I stopped thinking. It was blissful, the hot warmth I sought was with me. I could feel the coldness in me receding away. I didn't want to ever leave. Duo's tongue tangled with my tongue as I unthinkingly responded. He began to venture deeper and deeper before teasingly withdrawing away and licking down the sensitive side of my nick.  
>It was at the very moment I unwittingly let out a moan, I became aware again. Of the fact that Duo had me down on the table and was right between my legs, leaning over me as he nibbled on me.<br>'Hell- no! Never again!'  
>I struck out and flipped Duo over in a desperate attempt to save myself. He ended up on the floor, unconscious, as I weakly supported myself against the table. I breathed fast and hard as my beating heart continued to send spurts of wild adrenaline through my body. Shakily, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Damnit. I couldn't do it.<br>'Fuck... professionalism...' I muttered.  
>I was leaving.<p>

I staggered to the door and opened it. A blur of movement followed.  
>I automatically punched the person as he reached out to me.<br>'Ouch!'  
>My next follow-up punch was blocked expertly.<br>'Fuck, Duo- what for hit ya mama, boy- huh? Who da hell are you?'  
>I blinked at the large, giant bald man who possessed a face as ugly as sin. 'Captain mama, that ain't your sonny-boy. He must be the expert contractor, 'cause he's got nice moves.'<br>A whole team of grimly faced veterans still dressed in dirtied and soiled uniforms on the other side of the door started to laugh.  
>'Sorry boy, I thought ya were mah kid,' said the captain with a strong Southern accent.<p>

I could tell it was a fake one, but I didn't comment. A lot of the military are screwed in the head for humour one way or the other. My former soldier guardian was a prime example, as he was the worst one I knew of, even though I regularly meet soldiers. I saw the window of opportunity for escape was now closed. For the first time I could think of, I could understand why people said they wanted to cry at times. I was desperate for relief- any relief, and knew it wouldn't be forthcoming.  
>The captain walked past my stiff back and saw Duo lying on the floor. He frowned.<br>'Son, stop sleepin' ya brat- time to get down to business.'  
>I believed I started to like the fake Southern accent captain when he pulled back his leg and kicked the unconscious Duo none to gently in the ribs. In fact, I was jealous. I wanted to do the same. And maybe even stomp on his head. Just a bit.<p>

There was. Tension. Duo was careful. I was careful. The whole team noticed. And it was an attribute to their expert professionalism that that they actually knew not to comment, even though they gave Duo strange looks as he was stiltling polite to me. They no doubt connected to why Duo had been unconscious on the floor before the briefing. I got... awed respect from the team after they determined that I could pull my weight and then some, but it was clear that they would side with Duo as I was the outsider. To boot, I was the type of outsider they didn't know how to make heads or tails with, being a quiet introvert that didn't speak much. I didn't mind the distance. I'm use to being the outsider, and I preferred it that way. This meant I could just do my job and then get the hell out of there. Once it ended, that was.

We were, after all, camped in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by factions of various anti-governmental rebels. It wasn't a particularly hard job to carry out in terms of the action that needed to be done, although it was highly risky due to the presence of the various groups that roamed the area. We had to roam around in the area without being found or kill, to update surveillance equipment on-site, which was why I was involved due to many devices being of a non-standard issue, as well as pick up intelligence from the agents that were on-site. There was another somber purpose to the mission which we left until the end as conducting it at the start would have alerted the surrounding hostiles to our presence. That was to retrieve the bodies of a small group of new age neo-environmental scientists whom had initially been taken hostage but randomly killed instead when the group leader changed his mind.

Ordinarily, it wasn't something the Preventers would be involved in, however a few of the dead scientists had been from rich families or had friends of great political clot. They wanted the bodies back at all cost and had been exerting uncomfortable pressure in various places. A side comment I overhead from the captain to his comrade indicated that it was probably because some of the families were quietly planning to actually flatten the territory in revenge. I wasn't overly interested. The area had been an hotspot of many factions for generations, and bare a nuclear nuking, no doubt would continue to be. Many a strong military force had swept through the forests and hills before, but still the many warring multi-factions remained.

The final mission of retrieval wasn't too hard. The bodies of the scientists had been swinging from the trees in an unguarded area, so the four corpses would be relatively easily to retrieve. To boot, although some rot had set in, the bodies where mostly whole as the wild animals hadn't gotten to the bodies due to them being strung, so it wasn't we had to hunt for the corpse or try to pick up bits and pieces. We were nearly up that stage, as I was nearly finished the last station. Duo was at my side. Surprisingly, he also was acting the same role as myself- a mechanic slash engineer slash IT personnel slash soldier, alongside two other men whose names I didn't bother to remember because, well, I wasn't the sort of person who care for such details unless it was necessary. Another reason why I was never going to be popular.

But the other men were out preparing for the end task, so now it was just Duo and myself alone at the station. Duo was standing guard, his finger lightly on the trigger of the semi-automatic rifle he cradled at ready stand-by.  
>He spoke at the exact moment I finished the last delicate adjustment and started to put the protective guards and shields on the hidden machinery.<br>'You know, I don't think I can do it. But at the same time, I don't think I can't.'  
>'What?'<br>'In fact, I've been thinking it all over, again and again in this shithole, and maybe it's the heat, humidity or something making me feverish and sweating other than fear, but I'm really starting to think it's worse not doing then doing it.'  
>I was in the middle of fitting a part back in place and couldn't see his face to comprehend what he was talking about so I grunted instead.<br>'Hn?'  
>'Doing you, that is.'<br>I nearly dropped the soldering equipment I was replacing back into the bags. I must have make some choking sound to indicate my incomprehension because Duo suddenly chuckled.  
>'Yeah, it's fucked up. I wanna fuck you. Just you. I don't get it myself, either.'<br>The gun was in my hand before I knew it, and I found myself coldly aiming for the back of my companion as he stood on look out before me.  
>'I'm not lying, Heero,' Duo said softly. 'I never did it with her. I couldn't.'<br>His admittance stayed my trigger finger. But only just.  
>'The past is past. Leave it be. Otherwise, you'll be dead, just like it.'<br>'Dunno man, the past seems livin' and breathin' to me. Kind of tormenting actually. Just like sleeping next to you every night does to me.'  
>'Shut up, Duo.'<br>'Don't wanna. I'm getting the feeling that if I don't talk now, I'm never gonna get another chance to be alone with you and say what's on my mind.'  
>That was obvious. After the mission is over, I was going to retire to my hidden cave and never venture out from behind a computer screen again to do work on-site for the company. I don't ever want to see him again. I didn't need to. I couldn't. It was wrecking me, and contrary to many people's opinion of me, I was not made out of stone.<br>'Did you know, I told her I fucking wanted to wait until we married to do it? She was so happy, you know. She thought because Father and Sis brought me up so well that I had the purest soul. God, it was agony being with her. I rather would have been with you, getting down and dirty.'  
>I dropped the final heavy shielding in place by nudging the thing in place with my boot. Or rather, kicking and stomping it down.<br>'We're done. Shut up, or I'll kill you.'  
>'You should, you know. If it were the other way around, I know I would've.'<br>I took firm control of my irrational hand and shoved back my gun into it's sheath. Without saying anything else, I picked up the equipment bags and began to stealthy tread back to the next group meeting point.  
>'Damnit Heero, why are you so cold?'<br>I continued on walking.  
>'Heero! Answer me!' Duo hissed as he hurriedly caught up to me. He did a hurried sweep before he pulled me into a cluster of trees. Thinking it was because he saw a danger I didn't pick up, I allowed him to. It was only when I was up against the trees and he was fucking kissing me I realised why he really pulled me into the hidden area for.<p>

Unfortunately, I got caught up in the trap of his alluring warmth before long, even as I tried to fight back to gain my depraved senses. We were in the middle of a mission- and yet... In the end, I couldn't believe I did what I did, even as I pulled up my pants and felt the heat of his semen drip down the crack of my buttocks and uncomfortably wet my crotch. I was going to have to trek for miles with the reminder. In fact, until the end of the mission. At the earliest, until I get back to the Preventers local branch where they had shower facilities.  
>Duo, damn him, looked happy and sated enough as he propped himself up against the tree with his fly undone and his manhood resting outside.<br>'You know,' he said with a leer, 'since we did finish more than an hour ahead of time, we got leeway.'  
>'Go screw yourself.'<br>'I'd rather you.'  
>'This was a mistake. It won't be happening again,' I stated flatly. I looked at him with cold eyes to make my point across.<br>The all-too sickening familiar mischievous light in his eyes died as he realised I meant it.  
>'Heero, why are you so damn cold?'<br>'Because...' I finally had enough and growled my anger out through gritted teeth. 'I could have forgiven your lies to me, even your deliberate lies to yourself, but you chose her. Not me. And I know you know- even now you'd still make the same choices. Be honest- and even if you can't be honest at all- at last, stop being so cruel and back off. I'm not like what you think I am- I am not without emotions. I'm not some convenience. I'm human. I also want to be warm like any other person. I'm not cold because I want to be cold. I also want... to be warm. I want to stop being so brittle cold and always near this breaking point. So stop fucking around with me!'

My voice rose in a shout as I forgot myself and the surroundings. Birds flew from the treetops as they were startled away. It was an utter humiliation, both personal and professionally. It was also an miracle we got out, and also completed the mission successfully as well. The other group had decided to gather the bodies ahead of time due to unexpected rebel movement nearby the area there. As the mission was successful in all its aims, and the captain was indulgent with Duo's quiet side request, no mention of my indiscretion being the cause that lead to us being pursued through the jungle forest was made on the report to the Preventer headquarters.

I split up from the group soon after our arrival there with the excuse I also needed to report in to the local company branch. In truth, I merely tossed the clerk there the keys to the corporate jet. I left that city blind drunk on a commercial flight instead of flying the jet home, but I was unable to forget anything for a moment.

I told my boss I was going to take a break between Christmas and New Years. He wasn't happy to be unable to take on any more extra lucrative contracts, but given that I finished all the tasks assigned and had already taken on an extra assignment- the disastrous one, it wasn't like he could even raise a protest. I spent the time randomly selecting mountain ski resorts to visit, and managed to visit a total of five in three short days, with aide from a random blonde rich Arab heir I encountered lost on the slopes on the first day of my holiday. Part of his enterprise had was part of an oligopoly group that managed the supersonic pathways of private civilians who could afford such travel. The creation of a new friend who was friendly, bubbly and forthright unapologetic gay in public enlightened me considerably, but unfortunately we both had no sexual compatibility. Not even a spark. We did try, but we ending up laughing. Or rather, he laughed and I chuckled, before he asked me to stop because I sounded scary. I apologised for the slip. I know myself how frightening the sound can be- even my guardian prefers me to not laugh. I suppose the only person I know who could stand the sound was Duo. And maybe my boss, but he is in a different category altogether.

But the holiday ended on a good note, although had contained a surprise too when we both visited the longest friend I had at his circus performance. One look, and my new-found friend was smitten with my old friend. And vice versa. It was a shock to my system, but no doubt, it was more of a shock to my green eye old friend, since we both presumed he had been straight, even if he was a bit asexual at times, well, up to that point. I suppose witnessing the relationship that formed right before my own blue eyes left them greener than his own, so I excused myself early and ended up on New Year's Eve alone, in front of the door of my apartment, with baggage of presents pressed upon me by the happy couple. A ludicrous giant basket of condoms and condoms along with two swing mobile sex charms enclose dug into my waist as I fished out my apartment key and left myself in. The present was ridiculous, and privately I thought it was something the couple should have kept for themselves, as I didn't anticipate using any of the goods myself.

'You're late,' came a voice I never expected to hear again, and nearly shot the owner of as I dropped all the packets I held in favour of drawing my gun out.  
>Duo stepped in the light from the darkness he had been hiding from. He looked nervously at me, but I knew it wasn't because of the gun I was pointing at his forehead. Instead, I could tell his nervousness was the same as the feeling of nervousness that was growing in me as I realised who my visitor was. I would sooner face a thousand bomb strapped terrorists than have faced him again, because my gut instinct screamed that I would have had a better chance of survival, then surviving him. Unfortunately, that was not the case.<br>'Or rather, am I too late?'  
>My gun wavered. Just a bit. It was probably I stopped seeing him for a bit as my vision blurred in panic emotion. It had to happen. Emotion overload. I think... no. I knew it. I couldn't take it any more. Either he had to die, or I would shoot myself.<br>'Oh God, Heero - please don't cry. Anything, but that. I'm sorry, hell, I'm so sorry.'  
>I wanted to say I wasn't.<br>I wanted to say I was going to kill him.  
>But the words wouldn't come.<br>So I decided on talking through my actions.  
>But my stupid right hand wouldn't move. I couldn't pull the trigger.<br>I was weaker than a fucking kitten when he gently pushed my gun aside to gather me in his arms. So I cursed it. I cursed it and Duo. And I cursed myself.  
>I swore to myself I would shoot him in the morning, when reality would come and hit me.<br>But the night was for fantasy. So I let him take me.  
>'I promise... this time, it'll be for real. Trust me. Please. I'm not lying. To you, or to myself. Never again...' he whispered in my ear as I silently shuddered in his warm, heated embrace.<br>Fuck you, Duo, I thought with cold savage hatred in the back of my mind even as I lost it and myself to him again. Just... fuck you. He had to be lying. But so was I.

_**Fin.** _

_Feedback, please...?_


End file.
